When you delete Tinder

I am officially throwing in the towel on finding any kind of companionship here. There is no point in putting  myself through unnecessary emotional distress. I mean, that's not even why I came out here in the first place anyway. I came here to figure out what I wanted my next career step to be. Which I still think I don't know what it is. I thought I did, but I love to do this thing called second guessing myself. If you have never tried, you absolutely must. Makes life more interesting. But anyway, here is my towel and my white flag. Do with it what you will. I no longer need them.

So I am deleting all of my "dating" apps. They don't do anything but cause trouble for me. I talk to these guys for a few days, then they are gone. What is the point? To pass the slowing time? I don't even hang out with them. Or go on dates. I just text them or chat with them. But I always feel inadequate after. And that is where my issue lays. Why should I put myself in a position where I feel like I am less than I am? I know that I am not, but sometimes as woman, we feel the need to justify why our need is not being fulfilled. And the one that ends up suffering the most is ourselves. I don't think it's fair. Especially because it's coming from within.

I mean, whenever we are interested in someone and get rejected, we automatically assume that it is something wrong with us. We make ourselves crazy thinking how we can change in order to find companionship. It's in our nature. Yet it breaks my heart to see us go through this types of emotions. So I say fuck it. I am done with feeling like I don't have control. I mean, if a guy stops talking to me or gives me mixed signals, then I'm done. There are more fish in the sea. And I don't know if you remember, but the sea is pretty endless. So fuck this. Fuck that. And do what you got to do boo.

But total side note, the guy from my last entry is starting to get his shit together. After we had a long conversation about why he is being kind of a prick, I mean, he straight hit me with the, "I want to get to know you better, but I don't want to lead you on." Apparently he thought I wanted to be in a relationship with him. Which don't get me wrong, I would not mind because I like the way he makes me feel. But I just wanted to get to know him better and hang out. You know, go with the flow. LOL. But he is making more of an effort. Which is nice. And I know I probably sound hypocritical right now, but fuck it. This is my blog. And I say what I want. LOL.

Here's some photos.

A peguin on a mission

I still can't decide if this thing is cute or not. I just don't understand it. 

Here's one hating ass bird. 

Don't know what these birds are, but turns out they do have 2 legs and not just 1. Fun fact of the day. That's one hell of a leg day bro.

Mo money mo problems

So there is this guy. Yeah yeah, OMG Christen is interested in a guy. I get it. It's a big shocker to me too. Now I have never made the first move in my life. Like ever. It's just something I don't do. Mostly because I was always too shy or embarrassed. Also I had a big fear of rejection. But I have learned, that it is stupid to be afraid of rejection. And like Jay-Z once said: "On to the next one. On on to the next." So making the first move with this guy was a huge step for me. I mean, first off, I didn't even know he was interested in me. I just thought whenever I saw him, he was just being nice to me. Which is what I automatically assume with all guys. Regardless if they are interested in me or not. If they don't come out and say, Hey Christen I like you, then I am not going to know that they do. And still even then, it's tricky for me to realize it. Talk about being oblivious.

Anyway, I met him at a night club that I go to every Friday. Cause this club is Fa Free every Friday. But he works as a bouncer there. So every time my girls and I go, I always have some fun flirty conversations with him. Now, I may not know when a guy likes me,  but I definitely know when I am being flirt. Even though I pretend that I don't know I do. Every single time. So yes, I would flirt with him. But not on purpose. I just couldn't help myself. I'm like all cute and charming and shit. It's in my blood. So a couple weeks ago, my friends where telling me how he likes me. And I am like, naw bro. He's just being nice. He talks to everyone it's kinda his job. So they were like, No bitch. He is definitely interested in you. So the following time we went, I paid a little more attention to when he talked to me. And I realized that they were right. Or so I had assumed.

Now when I talk to a new guy, I have some very effective rules that I like to stick to. Because I know they work. And because I am trying to get the feel of how I feel about the guy before I feel like I've wasted my time. But this time was oh so different. I broke all of my rules and just dove head in. So I asked him for his number and texted first. The first night was cool. We chatted a little when he got off work. I understand he works a lot and normally gets off at around 4 in the morning. Cool. I get it. But since we had exchange numbers, I have been the only one initiating anything. trying hard to make our schedules work so that we can hang out. And  now I am so confused. Because he doesn't show or acts as if he is interested in me. I mean granted, he never came out and said anything about being interested in me. But I told him that I was definitely wanted to get to know him more.

But I thought if you consistently ignore others around the person you are trying to talk to, and constantly flirt with them and compliment them on their appearance; Or even ask them questions to try to get to know them better, then that meant you were at least semi interested in them. Right? But now that I think about it, maybe he just wanted to be friends. Now I kind of feel like a crazy bitch. Because I think I caught feelings for him. And I don't know where or how the hell that happened. I barely even know the guy. But I do want him to like me more than a friend. I mean I am so sick of being one of the damn homies. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my male friends and I am one of the best wing-mans out in these streets. Yet at some point, I want more for myself than that. I am an awesome ass person. If I was a guy, I totally would date my fine ass. But it is hard out here for a pimp. So yeah. Guess my feelings about this situation has became irrelevant.

Then something crazy happened last night though. So because I live right in the center of club central, after they close, I can hear everyone trying to get home. Just all the drunk people. Now last night, I didn't go out because I got off work pretty late. So I just stayed in and netflixed. I went to bed around 2:30 am. Just dozed off. Around 3 or so, I was awoken by a couple arguing. Now Most of the time I don't care about the people arguing outside, but something told me to take  my earplugs out and listen to them. So I came in at the end of it and all I heard was them screaming profanities at each other. But what really caught my interest about this particular couple was that the guy involved, sounded exactly like the guy I am trying to talk to. Then I hear the girl say his name. and my ass just had to look out the balcony after I heard her say his name.

So that is what a nosy bitch did. I jumped out of bed and looked over my balcony. I didn't see the girl because she had got in a car by the time I looked. But I did see the guy I am suppose to be talking to crossing the street. Like, what are the odds that he is arguing with some girl right outside of my apartment building. It was the strangest ting ever. Then of course, my very colorful mind went wild with questions. Should I confront him? Was it actually him that I saw? Is that his girlfriend that he was talking too? Am I fighting to become someone side bitch? What the hell where they arguing about? Now I don't know why, but that really shook me up. So even though it was 3:30 in the morning, I had to text Sherelle. Because I knew this bitch would be up. I told her what happened and she was in as much disbelief as I was.

Now it's not about the fact that he was arguing with another woman. Fine whatever, not my business. What was interesting was that they were arguing in front of my apartment. Out of all the places, they were there. And I woke up to hear the ending part of it. I mean, if that was his girlfriend, Then it would explain so many things. But I don't feel like I have the right to ask him about it. Plus what would I even say? Yeah I heard you arguing with a woman outside my apartment in the middle of the night, so I peeked to listen? Then I would really seem like a crazy bitch. Sherelle said it was meant for me to hear them. But we can't figure out why. I find it creepy as shit though.

Well here's some photos.

Me thugging in the mountains. I didn't choose the thug life. It chose me.

Talk about every senior picture ever.

Oh Shit. Mountains getting sexy up in this bitch.

Damn. Got even sexier. Screw Kim Kardashian. I'm breaking the internet now.

I got 99 problems and men are half on them.

I'm not even sure how to start this entry. I don't normally spill out my feelings about intimacy for the world to see. But I guess the best way to do it is with word vomit. I used to think that I had a hard time with guys when I was back in America. You know with being with shitty guys and then being single for almost 7 years. I just never felt that I had much luck with them. So like any sane woman would do, I thought about becoming a lesbian. figure it was the best option I had. So I weighed the pros and cons of it, and while I highly respect and love lesbians, I am not cut out for it. So I had to learn to deal with men. But the older I get, the more confused I get about them.

Fast forward to now......... I feel even more confused about the opposite sex more than ever. I don't know if it's because I am becoming more of a woman who understands her needs and what she wants. Or because..... Shit I can't even finish that statement. That's how confused I am. Now I just started to get the hang of dealing with American men. Then I had to go fuck up some shit and move to Australia. So now I have to deal with Australian men. Which is a whole different story. I mean it is literally like dealing with another species. My poor brain can't deal with it. And my heart has no say because that bitch is locked up in a cage somewhere. And she not getting out for a while.

Now I am not just talking about some guy that I am talking to. Well trying to talk to. The situation is an unnecessary complicated. But I am also talking about men that I deal with on a daily basis. Rather they are my coworkers with too big of a fucking male egos for their own good or my landlord. Hell, even some of my male friends I am so confused about. I feel like I am having issues with all of the men in my life right now. I mean, does anyone else have this issue? Where it seems like they are all fucked up at the same time? Is this some kind of cruel horrible storm before the sunny day? Or is it just what happens when you turn 25?  Maybe it's a cultural thing. That's a thing though. Right? 

I wish there was an instruction manual on how to deal. Cause on a scale from 0 to even, A bitch straight can't. And I think it would be better for me not to stab one of them. Especially when I have to work with them and they all have their stupid penis club. Also, because I am not trying to be the one lady with 37 cats. Granted, I could name all of them IF I needed too. I think I just need my Vanilla Latte here with me. I know this is a confusing blog entry, but the next entry will help sum up some questions you may have. In the mean time, look at some photos.

My expression on trying to figure men out. Clueless.

Me trying to find love in hopeless places.

Some random Asian ladies wanted to get our pictures. LOL.

When the bitching ends.......Jk, it doesn't

Hooray for a positive blog post!!! Or a boring one. Whatever. Anyway, I am very excited to tell what happened with my job. Things are very slowly changing for the better. Whoever said bitching doesn't solve anything? Because I am pretty sure that's what I've been doing since I've been out here. But I am excited to say that I have complained so much to the program that I went through, that they straight outta Compton my jobs ass. Well not really, but that way sounded much cooler. LOL. Granted I still hate going into work  because, you know, it's work. And it's not what I want to do with my life. But fuck it cause I'm in Australia.

So while I was having issues with my hours, I guess there was some other shit going down. Apparently there are  a few people gone from my job that went through the program. I can see if you quit, but apparently a few people got fired. Like, what the fuck did you do to get fired from a work abroad program?? Anyway, so when I officially approached my program directly with valid evidence of my situation and so very eloquently stated my feelings toward the situation, they were probably already fired up about whatever situations were going on. At the end of the day, I just really wanted to be fucking heard. So they were on top of everything. And I automatically saw a change in one particular trouble maker.

At first he would ignore me when he first find out that I directly contacted my people about what was going on there. Which I had every right too. And I refuse to apologize about. I paid too much damn money to come out here and not get what I paid for. The had me too fucked. #wrongbitch.com But then I guess he understood and pulled me aside directly and apologized for everything. He also mentioned how he would try harder to meet my needs per required of my program. Fine. I appreciate it. But we will see if the change will actually occur in this upcoming week. It seems to be a bad habit of a lot of men out here saying things and then following through. Like what the fuck is that about?

Anyway, another really nice thing that happened at work is that we recently got a new team leader. Now I don't exactly know what that means, but I am assuming it is under the lines of management. IDK. But all I know is, that she is starting to change how things work in our department. Which I kinda like. It would be nice to have some order and logical things happening. Like, oh IDK, having someone more suitable for the front of the house be in the front of the house instead of in the back. I'm just saying though. I know that she can come off pretty strong sometimes or it seems like she is over compensating for something, but I actually don't mind it. People get intimidated by a strong willed and determined woman. Plus she understands our needs a little more than the managers do. Its crazy how some people didn't have to put much time in to get there position while others had to be in that same position for years before progressing.

Either way, I feel more part of the group working there now. Although now that I think about it, there was one person who was looking out for me from the start. And I will not forget to thank her. She always tried to make sure that I got what I was suppose to. Even finally getting me to be able to work in the restaurant after weeks of being told that I would. IDK if you read my blog or not boo, but I've notice your hard work in helping me and you are my numero uno. Thanks girl for always looking out for me. And thanks to the one girl who helped me perfect my time in room service. Showing me the ropes and making sure I do shit right. LOL. Especially making sure I don't put silverware upside down in the pre-folded napkins. Thanks girl. Shout out to my two bitches.

Here some photos

Me showing this goat how to take bad selfies. Cause you know, I'm a pro at that.

Me getting real tired of their shit. Literally.

Finally we saw a mutherfucking kangaroo. And fed that bitch.

But unfortunately they are very messy eaters. But it was worth the photos. LOL

I gave a fuck once and hated it

It's been a while since I have mentioned how much I hate my job. So I'm bringing it back. Well sort of. I have officially given up on all hopes of this job. I literally will just go in, do my work, and leave. I'm done begging for basic necessities. Like enough hours to be able to pay my bills. I've said it once before and I will say it again. This hell hole really makes me miss working at CCF. I mean seriously. I know they weren't perfect, but damn do they have efficiency. And do things that make common sense. Guess you never appreciate something until it's gone. Granted I will probably never go back, LOL. I'm over this hospitality shit. You're probably wondering why I am bringing this up again. Like yeah bitch, we know you hate your job. But do you really know? Do I truly express the distastefulness and the anguish I feel when I walk through those doors on a daily basis? No worries, I will further explain.  

But where oh where shall I start? There are so many wonderful shitty things I can say about this place. I know, lets talk uniforms. First off, the uniforms are actually not that bad. Visually at least. I really do hate my pants though. So the one thing that this employer does do is provide uniforms for it's staff. Which is great. However, the actual staff that handles this process is rude as hell. Not all, but most. And it's probably because they don't want extra added work either. And I don't blame them. However, either way, hoes need a fresh clean uniform for this punk ass job. And that is not always the case. A few times I go to pick up part of my uniform, and my apron is stained with bleach. And I'm like what the fuck. They want us to be all clean and professional looking, but a bitch can't seem to get an apron that doesn't have fucking bleach stains on it. What kind of sense does that make?

Ok, so then, I had to pick up a new pair of pants because the single pair that I had since I started had ripped in the thigh area. I can't help it. I'm voluptuous. My thighs rubbed together when I walk. So I go see if they have a second pair for me. I've already had to get a pair of shoes and a shirt for this damn job. For a company that apparently provides the uniform for their employees, they sure do a shitty job. But they managed to muster up the most uncomfortable pair of pants possible. Fine whatever. So I go pick up the new pair which was a miracle that they had them. But the pants also were ripped in the thigh. And I'm like, how the hell am I suppose to work like this? So I have come to the conclusion that I am just going to buy my own pants and have them reimburse me. Because they can't seem to do shit right. Why would they allow the hardworking people to give us ripped and bleached uniforms? Then expect us to  maintain a specific visual appearance? 

And I truly don't understand the conditions that we have to deal with by working here. Shit, if I knew that working with this company in this industry was going to be like this, I would have definitely chosen a different profession. But my greedy ass had to go where the money was. Not knowing that was wrong. I mean, how was I suppose to know that if a certain manager doesn't like you, you wont get fucking hours. That's another thing that I don't agree with. How can you claim to be a manager, but you act like you just another employee who thinks they better than everyone else. It's a definite misuse of power. And the fact that it has not been brought to the proper persons attention pisses me off. It's treatments like this, the reason damn unions where formed. I don't even know it this company has a union. Probably not. Because then they would most definitely have to change the way they do things. And part of me feels bad because some of the innocent souls there only know this. They don't know and understand what it is like to be treated with respect in a work place.

That's what makes me a target though. The fact that I do know the difference and will speak up of mistreatment towards me. So when I do try to voice my opinion, I get penalized for it by being put on entry level work. Or bitch work as most people, including me, calls it. LOL,  Even though a bitch got years of experience. But no one seems to care about that or the other relevant skills that I have. Which makes matters even worse. And I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place for coming out here through an agency.  Because I'm too smart to quit without a second option. Yet I'm struggling everyday to walk through those doors without wanting to kill myself. The only good thing is knowing that I do work with a few great people. Who makes this whole painful process a little less painful. I'm at the point where I don't even care that I'm not getting my definite 30 hours a week required by my agency. Like today, I worked 2 hours. I'm just tired of having to bitch about the same shit. That are things that I shouldn't even have to bitch about. Long story short, I still hate my job and I can't wait until my contract is up in February. Although, I will miss the great people and friends I have met here. 

Here's dem photos

So I know this one is kind hard to make out. But those are Jelly fish in the water!!! The circular clear circular things that is. LOL. The other cleat thing is a plastic bag.

My face when I wake up and realize I have to work. LOL

This is a pond thing of some sort. It was cool. And my photo is straight up computer screen saver worthy. LOL