Pleasure P, Smegma, and dick sweaters.

This is a very special blog. So close and dear to my very heart. I hope you enjoy it.

This is the following dialogue between three really good friends, one faithful Monday evening. We began by recapping the Ginuwine concert we recently attended. Which Pleasure P from Pretty Ricky was a guest performer at. And he does not look good at all. So I googled his pictures. And in my shocked state, here is how the rest of this conversation went.

Sherelle: See. I told you he really let himself go. He used to be the fine one.

Me: But. But. I just don't understand why. I mean. It's like two different people.

Sherelle: Bitch yes.

We continue to social media in silence.

Maaike: Show her Smegma.

Sherelle: Who dat?

At this point. Maaike and I are dying laughing.

Sherelle: I'm so serious. Who is that?

Maaike: (still laughing) It's dick cheese.

Sherelle: What?

Me: Smegma is the medical term for dick cheese. (laughing so hard that I'm crying at this point.)

So I google imaged Smegma and showed her. For the sanity of everyone, I will not be posting a picture of it. But plese feel free to google image it. LOL

Sherelle: EEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW. That is so gross. What is it? Why is it there?

Me: It's a lubrication for an uncircumcised penis.

Sherelle: Um. That is even more disgusting. I think a guy should tell a girl that he got that.

Me: It's so their penis wont chafe.

Sherelle: What the hell is chafe:

Me: When the skin rubs together. It gets red and irritated. And that's called chafing. LOL

Sherelle: But why do they have Smegma? I like still don't understand. LOL

Me: Ok. So an uncircumcised penis is like a penis with a sweater.

Silence. Laughter.

Sherelle: Why does his penis have a sweater?

Me: It's not a real sweater. The extra skin acts like a sweater. And Smegma is like vasoline.

Sherelle: Wait. Where the fuck did the vasoline come from? Why he got on vasoline? He need to tell someone about that.

Silence. Laughter.

Me: No. He doesn't actually have on vasoline. It's like he has vasoline on. So he doesn't get a chafed penis. LOL. Cause the extra skin is a turtleneck sweater.

Sherelle: I'm done. LOL. I'm going to bed.

The types of conversations one has late at night has so much potential for blogging. LOL. Best convo I had since I've been here. And if you haven't yet realized. I am now a Smegma expert.

Elevator photos. Because apparently being basic is in right now. But we can't seem to be good at it. Oh well.

I was trying to find Ariel. But she is playing too much and wont come say hi.

Us trying to be artsy. But really doing nothing. How does one even be artsy?

Ma bad ya'll

OK. So I know it has been a few days since I have blogged. I've been drinking a lot. Like a lot. A bitch was drunk 4 days in a row. But never fear. I will recap the last few days. To my best abilities that is. Of what I remember. Ok kids. Here is a recap. Last time, on Christen's blog.............

I am now in with my coworkers!!!!! All of them. I knew they would love me if they just gave me a damn chance. Even with the guys in the bar. Speaking of bar though. So I went to have drinks after work with two of my coworkers. And I was asking them about the whole tip situation. I was asking about how the tip money is actually divided up at the end. They told me that it's not. If someone tips me, do NOT put it in our ghetto tip jar. They said pocket it. Everyone else does it. So all this time, I've been sharing the earnings to my hard ass work and not seeing it when I have to leave early. Rude. Jeezum Crow.

I am becoming more and more of a bartender. The one bartender who was on vacation while I started, has also taken me under his wing. He is the first one to actually teach me how to make cocktails. And makes me make cocktails. I told him that I really appreciate and I thanked him. He told me not to thank him because I need to learn. He said, how am I suppose to learn if I am not taught and I don't make anything. That's when I knew I was in love. LOL. That is literally the same shit I've been saying since I started working there. So in the past few days, I've made a few of our signature drinks, some normal drinks, and a few of my favorite shots.

It's also been a little rough lately with trying to get hours!!!! Which does not work for me at all. I've been trying to get at least 40 hours a week. Normal full time schedule. Well not for them, The full time schedule here is 38 hours. Anyway, my first week was great because I managed to get the 40 hours. Second week, not so great. This week, should hopefully be better. Even though I am not working in the front bar this week, I get to work on events. And someone will actually be training me this time. Which I think is great. There are a lot of hours for events. Because you do so much shit. Also, I considered that being apart of a event planning. So a bitch is about to put that on her resume. That way, when I come home, my job search will be more wide spread with a specific category.

Yesterday I went to a concert with my two main bitches here. It was a Ginuwine concert. I mean, when they first came to me with that shit, I was like, Uh I don't think so. I mean in my head I said that. But outside I was like. Um sure. Yeah I like Ginuwine, but I was never a huge fan of his. My roomie Maaike had to keep reminding me of when it was too. So before the concert yesterday, my girl Sherelle and I went to my restaurant for dinner. The food was absolutely amazing. They have this one item on the menu for two or more people to share. It is a 7 course meal. We could barely finish all of it. But it was so good. And I wanted and needed to eat there anyway, because if I do end up serving, I need to know what I'm selling.

But my coworkers treated us so well. And it was funny because we would put food to the side for them. LOL. SO after dinner, we go to the concert. At this point, I'm still like, Oh ok. The when he finally brings his ass on stage, I got pretty excited. I mean like way too excited to. LOL. Like I was right by the stage. I got to touch him. LOL. And I knew every song that was played. I was kinda shocked that I did. But it was fun. And he brought out Pleasure P. And at first I didn't know who that was until he started singing. But they both have aged moderately well. Well not Pleasure P. I don't know what the fuck happened to him. Also, I'm pretty sure he was completely fucked up. And kinda rude. But whatever.

Here some photos.

Three Fabulous ladies who waited in line for damn near an hour to get into the club where Ginuwine was performing. We cute.

This is how close I was. It was fun. Yay.

Here is a really pretty skyline view of Sydney. Beautiful. 

Have a drink on me. Literally

I don't know what the fuck was wrong with me today. I don't know if it was because I woke up not feeling so great. Or the fact that I didn't break any glasses at work. Or even the fact that I met another coworker who was on vacation and he got me all hot and bothered. But I was just really off my game tonight. So much, that I only worked 3.5 hours. Which is literally going to kill me. I have to make up those hours this week. No joke.

So work started off normal. Then I met my coworker. Who is not that attractive, but he does have muscles and tattoos. And he was super nice. The best part is, he doesn't talk to me like I'm an idiot. So naturally, there is a win win. Now going in toward the evening, I can see that he is the most popular bartender there. So now we have to be friendly rivals. Did I mention he was single???

But anyway, so these three gentlemen come in and I am waiting on them via table service. They ordered a few rounds of drinks. Everything was fine. The last round they order, which was the same as the others, I completely fucked up. I go to set the drinks down on the table and most of them did not make it. I spilled 2 entire pint glasses of beer all over myself. And some even splashed on two of the men. I was so pissed at myself. I haven't doe anything like that in a long ass time. Yeah I break glasses at work every day, but they are empty. And away from the guest.

Now I feel absolutely horrible about this whole situation. Not because I am drenched from the belly down, but because two of them got wet. Now one gentleman, what a dick btw, tried to make me feel even worse. I understand that he was upset that some beer got on his pants. I get it. But I already felt bad and was trying to clean everything up while apologizing profusely. Don't worry if I'm ok or not. Just focus on your shitty pants. Now normally when someone apologizes, the polite thing to do would say it was ok. Especially if it was an accident. I didn't purposely try to spill drinks on you. Because if I was, I would not have missed. And that asshole made me want to spill fucking beer on him. What a wiener.

My uniform, which feels like it's a thousand layers, is dark colored. So you could see where the drinks spilled temporarily on my knee length apron, but not on my pants. What made it even worse was that because the beer spilled in my apron pocket, I had to stand there cleaning while beer continued to spill down my crotch and legs. I felt like My water just broke. I was having a fucking beer baby! I guess that's not too bad though. Cause now I will no longer have a beer belly. LOL. I'm so funny.

So after I managed to clean up everything and return with fresh beers, I had to go find my manager. It took at least 20 min to find him. Not because he wasn't around, but because people kept stopping me to ask me for things. I was so annoyed and just wanted to get out of my wet work clothes. I don't know if you have ever had to sit in beer soaked panties. But it is not fun. And it's highly uncomfortable. And probably unsanitary. Because I don't have a second uniform, which my work was suppose to provide for me, but they did not have my size left. So I had to go home. Now I don't know whats worse. Having to be sent home and losing 6 hours worth of work or the fact that I feel like an idiot for not getting my own second uniform. both suck. So I'm pretty much am done with today.

Here's some photos:

Here we have an Alley full of these creepy ass little babies. I think they are suppose to be cherubs, but I just don't know.

Me doing what I do best. Failing at taking a selfie. #storyofmylife.

And here. Here is some eye candy. Yum yum.

The definition of NOT MY JOB

I think I may have found my calling! Well that is how I felt the first 2 hours at work today. Today I was put in a completely different job area. Instead of being in the bar, I was working with the events crew. Which sounded like so much fun when my job called me into work 2 hours early. Even though I didn't know that was what I would be doing when they called me. 

So I get to work and my manager is all excited to tell me where I will be working. I had to assist in prepping the conference rooms. Which I later found out, the rooms we had to set up all had a minimum of 30 people. Oh, and they were back to back. So we had to essentially run from one side of the hotel with a shit ton of stuff, to the next. Now I was assisting one woman. Who was the main person to do everything. At least tonight she was. Not only is she in personal contact person for the people hosting the events, but she sets up and cleans up everything. By herself. A bitch would never!

I mean I would if they where paying me a shit ton. But the crazy thing is, they actually have an event coordinator. Like what even do you do? Cause she ain't never there to help set up or clean up. So I was telling the woman that she should have other people helping her. She says sometimes the kitchen people help out and the managers do help as well. Which is a huge shock for me. Because that is NOT what I am used to. But the managers do so much more than manage, They help run food. They help clear all the tables. They run drinks, and sometimes even bartend when needed. I think that's pretty fucking great of them to do that. Because it's not just when we are overly booked. It's an everyday thing, That is why it amazes me so much. Not to mention they have their own jobs to do as well.

Anyway, I was telling her that there should be a whole department for this, Because 4 people working an event and still prepping or clearing other events at the same time was tricky. I don't even want to image how she feels doing this during the busiest time of the day BY HERSELF nonetheless. I literally spent 8.5 hours setting up and clearing out though. At the end of the night, I was in charge of 4 different rooms by myself. I had to clear out 2 and reset 2. I was tired as hell at the end. But on the plus side, I got the chance to see what an event coordinator does. Well the logistic side that is. Also another plus, When thy have an event schedule for a specific amount of people and a lot of those people don't come. SO they have leftover food. We get to eat it. LOL. Granted, I don't know what the hell I ate tonight, but it was soo good. The appetizer and the entree. 

I might do it again though. As long as they hire a few extra people to help. They should have a setting crew and a clearing crew. That way we can turn the conference rooms quicker when it's busy. And it really helps with the back. Because going back and forth and back and forth is not what's up. Team work makes he fucking dream work.

Here's some sexy photos

Me having mad acrobatic skills. I got that boom boom pow!

I don't know how they got my Champagne glass, but it's there. All in it's 3ft glory. Also, I find it sad that I can remember how to spell champagne but still have to sound out Wednesday in order to spell it. #boozehag4life

And this is what I had for dinner this evening. But what is it? Duck? Lamb? Beef? I will never know. Or probably care either. 

Obviously I'm super cool

I am pretty much killing it at my job. Which I obviously knew that I would though. You know, through all the stress and worrying about starting at a new job in a new country. There was confidence there. LOL. But the other day I got the chance to make two new cocktails!! First off though, I am a huge nerd for being excited to make cocktails. But whatever. I do what I want.

So my job is to basically be the bars server. Well bar attendant is the actually tittle. I'm suppose to clear glasses and food plates from the table. Take drink and or food orders and bring drinks to the table. Well that's what I'm suppose to do. When I go to the bar though, instead of waiting for the other bartenders to make my cocktails and get my drinks, I do it myself. Which is fine, because they also take food out to tables and bring back empty glasses from the huge lounge area.

Anywho, one of my "tables" ordered a mojito. And since no one except one bartender knows how to make drinks off hand, I said screw it and made it myself. There is this fantastic drink app that everyone downloaded. And when I started, no one told me about it and I had to figure it out on my own. You know, like everything else so fucking far. Ugh. But I pulled up my fancy little app, and made a mojito!! Luckily for them, when I make a couple drinks, well the basic ones, I can remember how to make it right away. I'm pretty sure it's because Alcohol and I have the most amazing relationship ever.

But the guest liked my mojito so much, that the rest of the table ordered one as well. I felt like the coolest bitch around. I even got the chance to make one of our bars signature drinks! Which also came out great. I wish that I was able to stay behind the bar more though so that I can learn more about our drinks and other cocktails.

Sometimes I get pissed because some of the guys act like they don't want me to make drinks and be behind the bar. Like are you fucking kidding me? I know that my manager wants me to use my personality for the table service, but I can use that same service behind the bar. Actually it's better when I'm behind the bar anyway because I can convince them to spend more money. How am I suppose to show what I can do if no one is willing to give me a chance to? What ass wipes.

I say fuck them though, and I still go behind the bar anyway, because I am so good at what I do. Not to mention my customer service is on point. I know it's because I had to work for my tips to pay my bills. But people still tip me. Especially those who have become my regulars. They are starting to give me 20%. Now I could be oh so shady and keep all the money to myself. Since I do everything myself for my guest anyway, but I don't. I share my earnings because we are suppose to be a team back there. So they better straighten the fuck up real quick before a bitch start getting rich on her own.

Here are some pictures

So every Saturday the Darling Habour has fireworks. Like every fucking Saturday. And everyone runs outside to take pictures like they never seen fireworks before. Like I did. LOL.

Here's me walking to go look for a man with loads of money. Some have a retail addiction, I have a travel addiction. That needs to be funded. LOL

That moment when you thugging so hard, that other people can't take your thug life anymore. Because they wish they were as thug as you are. I didn't choose this life. It chose me. #represent

Hold up. Let me get my soap box real quick.

You know what? I'm getting real sick and fucking tired of guys trying to make me feel ashamed about my body. Yeah bro, I get it. I'm not skinny. WHO CARES???? Because I don't. I've had serious body image issues since I was a child. And I'm so fucking over it. On a scale from 1 to it, I'm so over. Why is it your concern on how my body looks anyway? Who even are you first of all? It's not my fault that you so obviously are not man enough to appreciate a true work of art. I love myself just the way I am. Not only am I GORGEOUS, but I am also a fantastic person. One of the best and funniest people you will ever meet in your life. 

I understand that everyone is entitled to their preference. But you don't need to come to me and tell me what that is. I.E. Telling me how hot you think my friend is. OR sending your friend to tell me to back off of having fun with my girl, so he can get lucky. Because that's just straight up rude. If you want to talk to my friend, I could care less. But don't come up to me talking about her. Because you will get denied. If you're not interested in me, that's cool. But move along, because I'm not your friend and I'm not here to help you out.

And if you are interested in me, that's cool too. Everyone deserves a shot. But remember, I still have the option to choose who I want as well. Just because I'm fat, and yes I said it, FAT. Does not mean I have to take whatever I can get. HELL to the NO. There are plenty of men who are man enough to handle all that I have to offer. I can choose anyone I want. Because a bitch is fabulous. I don't need someone who is interested in me, but gets embarrassed about being interested in me when his friends come around. You got me straight fucked up. You may as well turn around and get out of my face. I am a queen that SHALL and WILL be treated as such. I will be no ones secret. 

My skin color is also what makes me so damn beautiful. Black is Beautiful. Bitches risk they life every damn day to get as dark, and sometimes darker than I am. Don't come at me saying all black girls are the same either. Because we are not. And I am not a girl. I am a woman. There is a HUGE difference. It may have taken years for me to love me for who I am, but I am there. And if you can't love me for I am inside and out, you have no business in my presence. #byedean

Stepping off my soap box now. Here are some photos.

So shout out to the worlds shittiest vodka. It was so bad that it didn't even say vodka. I had to mix it with wine just to make it taste better. I would rather drink Sambuca. Wait. No. No I wouldn't. There is nothing in the world that would make me drink that stuff.

Big as Crocodile at the Wild life zoo. The picture doesn't really do it justice though. Nothing clever to say about it. I just thought it was really cool when I saw it. Although, I still can't really figure out the difference between a Crocodile and an Alligator. 

Oh. And here's me. Not given a fuck about dem haters. 

Clearly I'm popular

Today, I had a half a bottle of wine before work. I thought it would get me super pumped, but it just made me really sleepy. But no fear! I had a fantastic night. So because I work at a bar inside a hotel, we get a huge variety of people. Including flight attendants and pilots. The main airline that stays at my hotel though is United. Which I have yet to meet a rude person who works for them. So these wonderful people like to come and drink discounted drinks at the bar. I mean Duh, who wouldn't. But It's funny because with every new flight arrival, I wait on them. And they get so surprised to see a new face for one. Then they find out that I am american and they loose their shit.

Which, side note, everyone guest I deal with ask me where I am from. And today this one gentleman from New Zealand asked me where I was from. I proceeded to say America, and he said 'Where in America?' So I said Midwest. Then he laughed at me and asked me where I was from again. And I repeated myself. So he said "Canada is in America. Are you Canadian?" I said no and he just laughed ad laughed. He knew damn well what part of Merica I was talking about. Like, get outta here dude. 

Anyway, so these ladies from United airlines just absolutely love me. Except the younger ones. Who you can clearly tell has just got hired. And that's ok, because I don't need they stank attitude anyway. #byefelicia. But the older woman are so friendly. And they tip me every time. LOL. So they have a particular group they connect with. I don't now if it's on FB or what. But today they ask me if they could put my picture on their group page. They want everyone in the group to know that I am the bartender to see when they come and have drinks. I have become the favorite bartender with the United airline group!! 

I am not that surprised though, cause bitches is fan fucking-tastic. However, I don't think my male coworkers like that. I wish I had fucks to give to them, but I sadly ran out years ago. I am 1 of 2 girl bartenders and am the only one that works on a regular basis in the bar. I'll allow them to have their little male complex and think they can just boss me around for a couple more days. But they don't know me. Not only am I fantastic at what I do, but I'm efficient. And they better start loving me because I am not only bringing in business and making the bar a shit ton of money. But I do all the bitch work and am bringing in more and more tips with every shift I work.

Don't get me wrong, they are pretty good at their job. It's just they don't have that special personality trait that I have. LOL. Which is ok. But they need to understand that I know what I am doing, and just let me do it. K. Thanks. And if I don't know, I will just figure it out on my own like I've been doing. Now that I think about it though, this is probably why I don't have friends at work. Yet. They will love me. LOL. 

Speaking of love, the security guards at my job are too fine for their own good. Yes indeed. Also, Shout out to my bitchiness sensai. Who teaches me how to properly be in touch with my bitch mode and how to hold on to all of my 'fucks' for a special occasion. LOL. Thanks Caitlin! And thanks to my fellow classmates, Jess, Mandy, Erica, And Gigi, for helping me stay on track, OK here's a picture. 

This bird scares the crap out of me. I keep imaging it gauging my eyes out for my food. The birds here are too serious about other peoples food, 

Bird: "bitch I don't want yo salad."

Me: "I know bro. Me either." But that salad was on point though. Not even gonna lie.

A perfect representation on why Cockatoos are assholes. I still have a scare from that bite. 

Having fun isn't hard, when you've got a library card. I don't so I work

Cool. So work is getting better. With each day that I am there, I learn more and more new and exciting things. Like today I learned to pretend to be extremely busy and 'taking initiative' when the big bosses are around. Which I already knew. I just didn't know who those exact people were. I guess pretending to work is a universal thing. I was also left alone at the bar for a few hours. Which I thought was great! I'm beginning to feel more and more like a real bartender everyday. Even if it is just pouring a shit ton of wine and pints of beer.

Although, I am surprised that they keep leaving me alone to tend the bar. Well I am and I'm not, I mean hello, bitches got mad skills yo. But they haven't actually taught me anything. MY first day I came in and just started working a normal shift. They did however teach me how to make coffee, Which I fucked up multiple times. But there is a HUGE difference in the way they make coffee here. And it is absolutely fantastic. You will definitely want to soy milk in your pants from it.

I was able to try one of our Lattes today. I had it pretty late though and now I can't fall asleep at 2:30 in the morning. #dumass. But the Latte was sooooo good. My manager told me that Australians are oh so serious about their coffee, and I can truly understand why. There is definitely an art that they use in making it. I will never see coffee the same way again.

I also found out that we can accept tips there. We just shouldn't expect it. Which is fine because I pretty much feel like I'm making bank, But when I get that non-resident tax taken out, I will quickly realize I am not. Which is why I will be working a good 60-70 hours a week, LOL.

But seriously folks, the non-resident tax is no joke. It's a seriously unfunny 32.5%. I know. It hurts just thinking about it. But I will hopefully get it all back, then spend half in liquor, because them prices is no joke either. LOL. Ok. here's another picture.

So here is one of the 'Baths' that we went to at Coogie Beach. I think the Baths are the coolest things around. What it is, is a blocked of portion of the ocean that you can swim in. I know it doesn't sound that cool, but it essentially works like a pool that uses the ocean water. 

Here is a super artsy picture of the bridge, And when I say super, I mean basic. But it can totally be a puzzle or a desktop background. Guess my 1 semester of photography is finally paying off. What What??

And here is the bridge at night. Nothing clever to say for this one. It's just a really nice picture.

First blog.

Congratulations to my family and friends who pressured me to start writing a blog. You win. But if it sucks, i'm blaming it on you. LOL. OK, so I have been in Sydney, Australia for 3 whole weeks now!!! wowza. I would say that I'm officially an Australian resident, but...... It takes 183 days before I can officially claim residency.

So I have instead decided to see what Good Ole Sydney has to offer. I got to see the bridge, the opra house, made a friend who became my roommate, got extremely drunk, and have been asked to give a hand job by a guy that didn't know he was gay yet. Also, I still can't seem to figure out how to spell roommate. My minds is telling me 1 M, but my auto-correct, my auto-correct is telling me 2. Anyway, here are some pictures.

Me and a Cockatoo. Did you know they bite? Yeah I didn't either. #assholes

 Le Maaike and I. Taking glamour shots by Deb in the harbour.

Me bringing sexy to Australia. 

More Glamour shots  by Deb. Aussie version.